Andrea Gibson, Lens (A poem from Pansy)
I’ve been practicing gratitude.
I’ve been skipping entire weeks.
Practicing a wider lens. Listening
For the bully’s heartbeat
Hearing it in my own chest.
I’ve been remembering the time I cried
In a cloud of tear gas at a peaceful protest.
How I decided I was too soft to last,
And then I decided to be softer.
I’ve been remembering way way back
To the moment they told me Jesus walked on water.
How I knew whatever I’d grow up to believe
I would never try to wrestle a miracle
Away from anyone’s reason to live.
I’ve been remembering how I wrestled a miracle
Away from your reason to live.
If only shame could wash me clean
But that is never how healing works.
Nobody ever won anything from anyone
Thinking the whole world was out of their league.
I’m sorry you know
What I look like when no one is looking.
I don’t expect anyone to believe
In justice and forgiveness at the same time.
If it’s any consolation
I feel like a ferris wheel in a snowbank
Twenty years after they shut down the park.
If it’s any consolation I’ve been living in my head
Whenever anyone tells me I have a good heart.
And I think about you. I think about you.